You know how people say things like “I blame it on my mother; she always makes me late.” Or “I blame myself; I should have known better.” Or,
Blame it on the full moon.
If it weren’t for the kids…..
I blame it on my kidneys. Wait, what? It’s true. It’s my new thing. I blame everything on my kidneys. I’m saying this light-heartedly, but it’s my new saying. I blame everything on my kidneys.
Last spring I had icky things going on physically that no one needs to, and you absolutely wouldn’t want to, know the details. My doctors were ruling out cancer, and that didn’t look so good for a while. My problem wasn’t getting better and it was emotionally and physically debilitating.
So, lucky me, I had surgery in early June to see what’s what with my kidneys. The idea was to fix anything they could see that needed fixing, if possible, and to biopsy anything handy for biopsy.
I’m making light of this but I was really scared and my family was freaking out.
I came out of surgery and when I woke up my husband said “You have 3 kidneys.” I said “Shut up.” But he was serious. I have 3 kidneys. For real.
The doctor came in and my mother spoke out of my mouth. “I never heard of such a thing.” What is this, the 1950’s? So I cleared my throat and said, “this isn’t a joke, right?” The doctor assured me that I had 3 kidneys and gave me a DVD.
I clutched the DVD until they helped me get dressed and leave.
My husband told me I probably was given the DVD so when I went to a specialist I had something to give him. Oh.
This bizarre thing, upon which I blame everything possible, is an extra, fully functioning kidney. But before you get excited about donating possibilities, boys and girls, my kidneys are too big, are fused, and twisted. Ewwwwww.
I no longer have any problems, but I’m keeping a close eye on kidney stuff.
“Hey Barb, do you want to go to the movies?” “Um, I don’t know……I have these 3 kidneys…”
“Do you want to chaperone an event at school?” “Oh wow! But, unfortunately I have 3 kidneys.”
I can hear my mother now. “You should have known better than to have 3 kidneys.”
Forget the full moon, the influence of your grandfather, the heat, the way you were raised, the if-onlys…..just do what I do.
I blame everything on my kidneys.