Blame Everything On My Kidneys

You know how people say things like “I blame it on my mother; she always makes me late.” Or “I blame myself; I should have known better.” Or,

Blame it on the weather.eddard-stark-blame-meme

Blame it on the full moon.

If it weren’t for the kids…..


I blame it on my kidneys.  Wait, what?  It’s true.  It’s my new thing.  I blame everything on my kidneys.  I’m saying this light-heartedly, but it’s my new saying.  I blame everything on my kidneys.

Last spring I had icky things going on physically that no one needs to, and you absolutely wouldn’t want to, know the details.  My doctors were ruling out cancer, and that didn’t look so good for a while.  My problem wasn’t getting better and it was emotionally and physically debilitating.

So, lucky me, I had surgery in early June to see what’s what with my kidneys.  The idea was to fix anything they could see that needed fixing, if possible, and to biopsy anything handy for biopsy.

I’m making light of this but I was really scared and my family was freaking out.

I came out of surgery and when I woke up my husband said “You have 3 kidneys.”  I said “Shut up.”  But he was serious.  I have 3 kidneys.  For real.

The doctor came in and my mother spoke out of my mouth. “I never heard of such a thing.”  What is this, the 1950’s?  So I cleared my throat and said, “this isn’t a joke, right?” The doctor assured me that I had 3 kidneys and gave me a DVD.

I clutched the DVD until they helped me get dressed and leave.

How exciting to have a DVD of 3 kidneys!!  It looks like the moon with a dog walking on it.  But not like that one.full-moon-with-howling-wolf

My husband told me I probably was given the DVD so when I went to a specialist I had something to give him.  Oh.

This bizarre thing, upon which I blame everything possible, is an extra, fully functioning kidney.  But before you get excited about donating possibilities, boys and girls, my kidneys are too big, are fused, and twisted.  Ewwwwww.

I no longer have any problems, but I’m keeping a close eye on kidney stuff.

“Hey Barb, do you want to go to the movies?”  “Um, I don’t know……I have these 3 kidneys…”

“Do you want to chaperone an event at school?”  “Oh wow! But, unfortunately I have 3 kidneys.”

I can hear my mother now. “You should have known better than to have 3 kidneys.”

Forget the full moon, the influence of your grandfather, the heat, the way you were raised, the if-onlys…..just do what I do.

I blame everything on my kidneys.



About Barb Knowles

The things that are important to me are family, friends, teaching, writing, languages and using my sense of humor to navigate this crazy world. Please join me on this blogging adventure...
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24 Responses to Blame Everything On My Kidneys

  1. bluestempond says:

    Well, that’s a new one! I did not know it was possible, but I hope they have figured out how to make it less of an issue for you. Although it is a great excuse.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    I love your sense of humor. I’m sure the experience was difficult and uncomfortable, so the fact you held onto your humor is so admirable. Your line about your husband’s (correct) take on the DVD made me laugh out loud.

    You go right on blaming those three kidneys. You’ve earned it!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Barb Knowles says:

      And your comment made me laugh out loud! For months I was afraid that I had cancer. And it wasn’t a paranoid fear but one that was being taken very seriously by my doctors. So that relief has been huge. And while I’ve now been upgraded from a urologist to the kidney doctor, I have had these since birth. Who knew? Take each moment as it comes. I have to….After all, I have those 3 kidneys.
      Oh I ruined my final line to you because I wanted to tell you this-When I saw the DVD, I could see where each one had the dye. That’s the only reason I could read anything. Except, thank God, I do have a spine. The dye in the extra kidney did look like a dog. Even my husband thought so, lol.


  3. Garfield Hug says:

    A scientific anomaly! Wow 3! A spare! Unsure if lucky or? Stay healthy and you ought to check with Guiness World Records 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Paul says:

    I made the mistake of reading “3 kidneys” as “3 kid knees” and then I couldn’t stop chuckling throughout, while squirming a little bit. Those darn kid knees!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Three!?! Wow, Barb!See I knew you are always special. 😉 And what a relief that anything with cancer is ruled out. Great kidney excuses! 😊😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Are you kidneying me? What a relief for you and all of us!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ann Coleman says:

    I’ve never heard of that before, either! But I sure understand how scared you were until you ruled out cancer. And now, as you say, you have a built-in excuse for everything you don’t want to do. Because most people have no idea what it means to have an extra kidney, so they will believe what you tell them about it……

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sheila Moss says:

    3 kidneys? Does that mean you have to go 3 times as often? If so, I don’t want an extra. I would never get anything done.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Knowing you as I do, this does not surprise me in the least. As a matter of fact, I would expect this…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Val says:

    All you need now is some steak (do you have ‘Steak and Kidney pie’ as a menu option there? 😉 Glad things weren’t as bad as you thought, and I hope your unusual innards continue to behave themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

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