The Mirror

Loving being a mother but hating being yourself is a powerful paradox.  Coexisting, yet battling.

Every addict and alcoholic I know has the mirror moment.  It’s a make it or break it moment.

I lived with my two children, who I adored, and with my daughter who died, who I adored and was ever present in my heart.  I lived with alcoholism, although I was hoping that alcohol was a visitor.  Not something that I actually lived with.  Not ever present.

Until the mirror day.

Until the morning that I brushed my teeth and washed my face and straightened up and looked in the mirror.  And actually saw myself.

I saw a woman with lank hair who no longer cared what she looked like.  A woman who looked 10 years older than she was.  A woman who hated herself.

A woman who had almost, but not quite, given up on herself.  A woman who was scared every day.

I saw a woman I didn’t recognize.  But the woman my children saw every day.

Alcoholism didn’t take away my home or my children.  I didn’t lose material things.  I didn’t lose the ability to do everything I could with and for my kids.

I lost myself.

I am eternally grateful for the mirror moment.  As horrifying as it was, realization smacked me in the face.  The mirror moment started me on the path to sobriety.  The mirror that showed me a woman who needed help.

The mirror that showed me I wasn’t quite lost.



About Barb Knowles

The things that are important to me are family, friends, teaching, writing, languages and using my sense of humor to navigate this crazy world. Please join me on this blogging adventure...
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23 Responses to The Mirror

  1. lorriedeck says:

    This is so powerful. And so brave of you to share.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is one of your best posts yet. So powerful and obviously well written. You have the unique ability to convey such an extremely powerful message in so few words. Just great!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Barb Knowles says:

      Wow! Thank you! There has been so much goodness and many blessings that have come in sobriety. Writing about it is cathartic. If my words connect with others that would be awesome. Thank you, again, Mike.


  3. Petra says:

    Yes! When I read your words, I feel your victory. I applaud you, not only for going through the looking glass, but for writing a travel log.


  4. Sheila Moss says:

    Congratulations on staying sober for so many years. Wonderful accomplishment. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Very powerfully worded, Barb. The mirror moment can be a very poignant point of realisation. Thank you for sharing. X.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Barb! This post gave me the chills.

    I can see it so clearly, facing the enormous costs your paid, as well as the amazing recovery that you’ve set out to live.

    I’m really glad to be getting to know you, and perhaps, to share a few footsteps with you as you pass by mirrors that now show a far brighter and jubilant face.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ann Coleman says:

    Wow! Honestly, I don’t have anything I can say that would even touch how profound this post is. Just: thanks for sharing it.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dawn in MI says:

    Good that you finally looked in the mirror honestly. Excellent that now 30 years later you like yourself. Congratulations on that progress.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Inira says:

    wow, takes a lot of guts

    Liked by 1 person

  10. sadiedee says:

    This really touched me. Today is day one of recovery for me. I looked at myself several times in the mirror over the last few years & ignored the blank look on my face. I had lost myself & now starts my journey to find myself again x

    Liked by 1 person

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